Surviving Unemployment...Still

On February 18th, Michigan's federal unemployment benefits were cut. This meant 29,500 people lost their unemployment. Including me. I went down to their local office so that I could find out exactly how this would affect my bi-weeky checks. I was told that on the 18th I would no longer get a check, and that I could not get anymore unemployment, period. Oh, and he said he felt bad. I believed him.

Since then I have been watching the contents of my wallet diminish down to a few business cards and a Chinese fortune, which says my goal will be met in two months. I dated it the day I got it, February 15th. That means April 15th I should be fully employed and well on my way to recovery from the most stressful period of my life. I will let you know.

Yesterday I went back to the unemployment office for an unrelated though no less stressful matter, and the gentleman at the desk asked me why I wasn't collecting unemployment. I could feel the blood rush to my face. He said something about 20 more weeks. Really? You mean this whole past month while those who love me have been helping me eat and have gas in my car and pay my mortgage I could have been drawing a check?

I had images of storming the place with a water cannon, yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs. This social safety net, like all the rest, is so mired down in red tape and misinformed employees that it almost drives me to drink.  The safety net is really more like a fishing net, set up to tangle and drown you like a tuna. So you give up out of shear frustration. You give up on everything.

I maintain my sanity right now by making myself a study subject. I observe the feelings that come up when I receive yet another letter from a creditor accusing me of ignoring their requests for payment, after having sent them a letter several weeks earlier explaining my situation. I have maintained constant contact with them all along, trying to do the right thing. THEY don't care. THEY are computers. Can you spell F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-O-N?

A time when honesty was valued.

I have realized, sadly, there no longer seems to be a "right thing". Perhaps being a stand-up gal is dead. People have been screwing the system for so long that everyone is now considered corrupt, dishonest, and incorrigible. Guilty and never considered innocent. The more honest and up front you are, the greater the negative consequences. So now I am left with a choice. Maintain my dignity and self respect (and be punished for it) or ignore my debts, cheat the government, live from a place of entitlement and have NO consequences for it, because that is what is expected by the corporations?  Hell of a choice isn't it?

Back to the study. I have observed feelings of shame, worthlessness, disenfranchisement, despair, anger, rage, and hopelessness in my self. I have also observed deep love and gratitude. But it is those first feelings that have the potential to destroy a Spirit. They are like a pebble in your shoe, always there, reminding you with every step you take.

I have developed coping strategies to deal with the constant stress of long term unemployment. I allow myself 15 minutes to melt down when needed. After that, I must get back to the business at hand. I breathe. I call my lover, my sisters, my Dad, my Mom. I tell myself that today I am OK, I have a roof over my head, my dog has food, my car works, I am loved. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I don't think about it. It may bring a job or it may bring foreclosure. I know my mind. If I let it go there, I know what it will think about. So I focus on the moment. Not one second back, not one second forward. Just the now. Because that is all I have.

Today is a milestone. I am more broke than I have ever been in my life. $8.46 in the bank and a few dollars in change sitting in the bowl by the back door. I have two weeks before I will get unemployment again, and there is a line a mile long waiting to snatch it up. Interesting. I notice that I look in the cupboard and fridge and take stock of my food. I look at my gas tank. I check my coffee and creamer supply. I open the lid on the dog food bucket and see how much is left. I check the toothpaste and toilet paper. I learn what is most important to me. Food, coffee with cream, gas, dog food, toothpaste, and toilet paper.

It was a beautiful smiling moon in the western sky last night, with the brightest star shining right next to her...Venus. Did you see it? Go look tonight.

These are the moments I hold on to. The beauty of the moon and a star, the sunshine, the tiny green buds now appearing on my apple trees, the twinkle in my dog's eyes. I know things will turn around. They have to.