Why Do They Have to Look So Gay?

I have heard it said many times by people observing other people who happen to be lesbian or gay. "Why do they have to make themselves look so gay?" To this day I never have been able to understand what that question means. I have never heard someone say "Why do they have to make themselves look so straight", or "Why do they have to make themselves look so Black". Or Asian, or Hispanic, or bi-lingual. I just don't get it. So let's talk about this. It is just as politically incorrect to call lesbians gay as it is marginalizing women under the all-encompassing "he", so for brevity I will hereto refer to gays and lesbians as G&Ls.

My hunch is that these are the folks that say "It is OK to be gay or lesbian," but think in the privacy of their own mind "Just don't flaunt it". It makes them uncomfortable. They can ignore the fact someone is G&L if that person looks just like them, act just like them, talks just like them. But if G&Ls dress different, gender bend, talk about the sexual parts they possess instead of the ones of the opposite sex, then the discomfort rolls in like a freight train.

It comes from an assumption in that individual that it is basically wrong or bad to be G&L, and that if you are, you should hide it, certainly don't flaunt it, don't let everyone around you KNOW that you are G&L. I especially like the don't flaunt it part. That has a special definition reserved only for G&Ls. Flaunting includes many things, some if which include holding hands or giving your sweetheart a peck on the cheek, dressing in ways that you feel comfortable. It may mean that you have one too many piercings or tattoos. Flaunting is in the eyes of the beholder. Most of these expressions are considered normal behavior in the straight world, but if you are G&L, you are flaunting your queerness. Interesting.

So it seems that "looking too gay" has nothing to do with what the G&Ls are wearing or acting like, but that the observer feels uncomfortable around G&Ls. Perhaps they fear guilt by association. I mean really, whose business is it what someone else is wearing? Who cares whether a male acts feminine, or a female masculine. What difference does it really make? Why is it anybody else's business anyway? And why does it evoke such hatred and anger in some people? I don't think these folks would want someone telling them what to look like.

I have no answers to any of these questions. I have heard theories and postulations. But I will follow Occam's Razor, a principle urging folks to "select from among competing hypotheses that which makes the fewest assumptions and thereby offers the simplest explanation of the effect." In other words, the simplest explanation. People don't like to feel uncomfortable and thus want others to change in order to relieve that discomfort.

When I moved to Pennsylvania, I thought there were more lesbians there than anywhere I had ever been. Many women had short hair, were masculine-looking, and dressed comfortably in plaid shirts and jeans. I stereotyped them. I was wrong. They were farm gals, straight farm gals. High society dress would not have suited their lifestyles one bit. I wonder what the "Why do they have to look so gay" folks would think about these women.

When I was working on my last CD, I had a good friend (at the time) look at the draft CD cover, which had a photo of me and my guitar in the woods. "Why do you have to look so lesbian?" she asked. I don't think I have to add she was straight, or so she claims. I was floored. I was speechless. What does a lesbian look like? And why would I want to avoid looking like one? I am one! How could I look any different?

Whenever I hear someone say, "Why do they have to look so [fill in the blank]", I want to say, "Why do you have to look so straight? or white? or fat? or skinny?" I mean really, come on, what kind of question is this?

I just don't get it.