I have been thinking about writing a blog about love for some time, and the more I think about it the more confused I become. I can't define love.
I once thought I could. When I was a little kid I thought love came from my parents. They fed and clothed me, encouraged me, taught me to do things. Gave me hugs and kisses. I thought it was found in the families on the Wonderful World of Disney. Everyone happy, everything turning out ok. Challenges were faced together, you talked things out, and in the end everyone turned in with smiles on their faces and shooting stars streaking across the sky.
Then I started to get older. Nothing in the real world matched what I had seen on TV. I should have watched soap operas. Now that was reality.
I learned that the love I feel in my heart is considered a sin by some people and that, in their eyes, I deserve to be beaten or killed for it. I learned that lesson before I finished high school. Love a sin. Really?
I have always thought that love is a verb rather than a noun. And by loving you create a state of being that is comforting, warm, joyful, secure, stable. One that promotes an inner sense of well-being which supports us achieving our goals and dreams. That is not to say there aren't conflicts that arise, but through loving actions things can be worked out.
When I try to define love I can say what it isn't much easier than what it is. It is not betrayal, abuse, neglect, hurt, pain, indifference. It is not infidelity or caretaking or denigration. It is not control or the snuffing of another's dreams.
I have always believed love is a creation, every growing and evolving, deepening and strengthening. It is like a garden that you carefully tend, and if neglected will surely wither and die on the vine. But if well-cared for, provide an abundance of life sustaining crops to carry your through.
I have learned that at times what I thought was love was something else disguised as love - need, dependency, lust. I have learned that we live in a troubled world where few know how be in healthy relationships and that it takes the courage to stand in front of the mirror and take care of business first before we can even stand a chance at achieving that beautiful thing called love.
I have learned that you can deeply love someone without it being reciprocated. I didn't think it was possible to feel that sense of connection without it being a mutual thing. I thought that the life of the connection could only come into existence if it was felt by both people. I was wrong.
I always figured that as I got older and did enough self work I would finally understand love. I would recognize it when I found it. No more mistakes. I would at last be able to put down those elusive roots. I have worked hard for that. But I have learned that I still have no idea what love is. My search image is off, my filter is defective. I still can't recognize it.
That breaks my heart.
So I am hoping that someone who knows how to do this thing called love finds me someday and teaches me the things I am missing. I am a willing student.
Roots take along time to grow and I am running out of time.